Not feeling so good

So I ended up getting a básico score on the CELU, which isn't even really passing. Alfredo said not to worry about it since more than half of us received básico and that the test is Waaaaay advanced, and that many people can be in the advanced classes back in the US and still get básico and that I can still take certain integrated classes at UNC. Most of my choices are still available to me since I picked easy classes in the first place so I wouldn't be so overloaded. But I'm still so disappointed in myself because I put in all that hard work, and I've been studying for so long, and I feel like I put in all that effort so little payoff. And I feel so frustrated when I hear that some of the other students got advanzado or intermedio and I was so sure that my Spanish was better than their's.

I also had a Shit-tastic night last night. I decided to go with some girls to a bar and a boliche last night. They gave me an address, and the taxi didn't take me to the right spot, and I had this frantic phone-tag with the girls to figure out where I was actually supposed to be. Meanwhile, while trying to navigate where I was actually supposed to be, I think I ended up passing by 6 homeless men lying on the streets, and just felt so unsafe.

When I finally did end up meeting with the girls, we went to a bar and they all ordered Fernet, which is some disgusting shit that I had tried before and absolutely hate. When they all ordered, Sarah asked if I wanted to same thing. I said no, but they all got the karaf anyway, which is fine for them, except that I didn't get a chance to order anything different, and so I ended up taking a tiny glass of something I hated and putting in 10 pesos to help pay for a drink that I didn't even want.

We didn't have to pay to to into the boliche, thank God. At first when we entered it seemed like everything was going to be just fine, but the place was packed. The music was actually okay, but when the girls started going into the crowd and I lost them, things started going downhill fast. At first I saw the direction that they were going in, and that I would be able to find them in the next five minutes or less. But then I made it all the way to the other side without finding them. So I went back and forth, trying to push my way through the people trying to find them but couldn't. I had people stepping on my feet, and I couldn't make out distinct faces, and I ran frantically to the bars in hopes that that's where they were because they talked about getting drinks.

I finally found a set of stairs and seeing club-goers going up and down, so I went up thinking it might've been another floor with another dance floor that might be less crowded, and that they might be there. It just had bathrooms, but I looked in there to see if I could find them, but they weren't there either. I spent 15 minutes hiding out in the stall, because I couldn't bring myself to keep braving the chaos that was outside. And I broke down in tears for a moment because I felt so lost and I didn't know what to do, and I kept staying a few minutes longer hoping one of the girls would come in looking for me, because that would be easy. I was finally able to pull myself together to walk out of there and try going up and down the boliche a few more times. The first time I was going down, it was horrible because I could not move forward through all the people, and some random guy grabbed my waist from behind and that freaked me the hell out so I just booked it to another part of the floor until I couldn't move anymore, and then a strobe light came on and I lost all sense of where I was going or if I was even moving at all, and I felt like throwing up. Since I couldn't move forward, I tried running back, and I got to the bar in the back, and tried to pretend I was heavily interested in something so I wouldn't get strange guys grabbing my hand and grinding up against me.

When the strobe lights stopped I made way to the front near the door where there were a lot less people and started fanning myself. There was one Argentine girl, who was nice, and I think she tried starting a real conversation with me, but I was so frantic I couldn't get into it, so I was just like, "Sí, hace mucho calor."

That's when I got two texts from Jennifer telling me to wait by the door and find them there, and asking me to text her back when I received it. So I texted her back telling her I was right by the door already, and that I was waiting. But then I ended up waiting 20 minutes and no one showed up, and then I started to wonder if they had left to go somewhere else and if they were waiting for me outside, but I didn't want to go outside and then not be able to get back in to find out that they were still inside. So I texted them asking if I they were inside or outside, but the text wouldn't go through, which didn't make sense at first sense I had excellent reception by the door, so I thought maybe Jennifer had bad reception. I tried just calling, and that's when I figured out the real reason why. When I dialed Jen's number, I had an automatic voice tell me in Spanish that I had just run out of credits. I waited by the door a little while longer, hoping one of them would get the idea and just fucking come over. But instead I just kept getting texts from Jennifer asking me where I was and how come I wasn't responding, and I just wanted her to fucking call already since I couldn't make outgoing calls or texts, and I just needed to blatantly tell her to come to the fucking door and get me if she wanted to find me. I then got one last text saying, "Did you go home already? We tried finding you, sorry." So yeah, they had basically given up on me, and since they thought I just went home, that's when I knew it was time to leave.

I cannot tell you just how abandoned and betrayed I felt at that point. I did try going to a kiosco to see if they had phone cards I could use so I could call them to let them know I was leaving. But the only two kiosco's that I found that were still open at 4 am didn't sell any. I walked over to the Paseo del buen Pastor because it seemed like a safe place to wait for a taxi. But first I hid myself behind some trees and just bawled my eyes out, and I had the luck of finding a pack of unopened tissues where I was sitting. (And the fact that that's the best luck I had all night fucking sucks.) And even though I was in a well-lit place with quite a few people I was so unsafe, because I was by myself, at 4am, in downtown Córdoba.

I took some time getting myself together before I hailed a taxi, because I didn't need a stranger all up in business asking what happened. I swear, the taxi driver seemed like the only person who cared about me all night, and he didn't even know what the fuck was going on, but at least he was nice. I'm pretty sure expected I was upset because he asked me twice , "Estás bien?" I was able to keep myself together until I got home and into my room where I just broke down, and I felt so sick that I threw-up a little in the sink, and just went to bed.

I slept in till 1:30 in the afternoon, and I still feel like shit, and I can't bring myself to leave the house because I feel so paranoid, and I don't want to leave my bed.

It's so stupid, because it's not like the girls I went out with are even mean to me or anything. But it's very obvious to me that our friendship so far is still at a superficial and shallow level. My close friends wouldn't have let me fall flat on my ass. My Asperger's and that environment just do not mix, and I don't think these girls would be willing to go out of their huge socialization attitude to understand what I'm going through. I really miss my friends at Hollins, and my family at home. I had a support system back home, that I don't have here, and I need it. I'm hoping I can build it up soon, since it's only been a month and it takes time for me to make one. But if I can't get one soon, I don't know how I'm going to function if shit like this keeps happening while I'm down here.

It sucks, because I'm already vulnerable as a foreigner in a strange land, but I'm even more vulnerable than the rest of the students here at CC-CS and PECLA because of what I have, and they're oblivious to it, and I feel so alone, and I can't keep putting myself out there like they can, because it takes so much more effort for me. I love it here, but I don't have the support system and I needit so much. I love being here in Argentina, but my confidence went down to zero just like that in one night. I try to make friends and socialize and connect with people, but it hurts me so much more pretending to be normal than it does to just drift by alone on the side.

I hope that when classes start on Monday that it helps in normalizing my life, and that the school work keeps me busy enough, so I'm just not stuck alone in my room most of the time not knowing what to do with myself.